I'm a Soul Man

This whole Judaism thing, I'm really in it for the food and the comedy. So for me, going home for the holidays is amazing because, well, it's going home, meaning there will be a feast for the eyes and the mouth. In fact, the only way I distinguish one holiday from the next is when there's an additional item at the table (i.e. melt-in-your-mouth latkes), or when the whole meal is all kinds of screwed up (i.e. the spectacle that is the seder plate). But whatever the holiday may be, it's an excuse to trek from near or far back to Aunt Sue's dinner table for some Jewish soul food.

If you haven't tried noodle kugel, you're wrong. There's really no excuse, unless you're not Jewish and do not have any Jewish friends, which I guess is actually a rather sizable portion of the population. But you're wrong anyway. And not just any crude kugel will do. This 'aint amateur hour. I'm talking slightly crisped and crunchy on the top, warm and gooey on the bottom kugel. The kind where the sweet chunks of apple and raisins compliment the soft cottage cheese (I think?) that melts on your tongue and forces your plate back into the center of the table for thirds and fourths. Yeah, that kind of kugel.

Or what about my Nanny's (that's grandma to you) brisket? Succulent slices of beef that taste like the cow was raised in a rich gravy marinade for its entire tragic but delicious life? What do you know about homemade gravy seasoned with the grease of a hard day's work in the kitchen? Come bathe some brisket in the good stuff at our dinner table, then come talk to me. Nothing maddens me more than generic, store-bought gravy.

Except store-bought blintzes. No other frozen food product has so consistently disappointed like those little sacks of artificial cheese or fruit. Please. My Grandma Claire spends all day peeling and pounding pounds of raw potatoes before even beginning to put her blintzes together. Want cheese blintzes? Don't go to her table unless you want them the right way, with a blend of farmer's and other sweet cheeses that perfectly compliments the fried exterior. And don't go to her table if you plan on putting ketchup on your blintzes; she has ejected many an unwise patron for less. Be smart, add a hearty dollop of sour cream to a plate full of cheese and potato blintzes and you'll swear your taste buds are lying to you 'cause anything that good can't be legal.

As for the other incentive to join the clan, the comedy: Larry David, Jackie Mason, Mel Brooks, sarcasm, Jerry Seinfeld, Jason Alexander, John Stewart, kvetching, late night show writers, Jewish grandmothers. That was not a complete sentence, nor was it a complete list of funny aspects and people that make me laugh when I think of my conspicuously-Jewish last name. But that's a whole different topic for a different day when it's not 12:30 AM and I don't have to wake up earlier than I'd like to.