Keep the Balls On the Court

I am not a homophobe. Nor am I a never-nude, that strange group whose intense fear of being naked was finally brought to our attention by the jean short-wearing Tobias. I just think that the male form is not all that pleasing to look at. In fact, sometimes it can be rather unsettling. I speak not of statuesque statues in art museums nor fine-tuned athletes, but of the fine specimens in health club locker rooms everywhere.

In every gym and health club I have been in, there is without fail a bustling locker room complete with steam rooms to relax in, open showers to rinse off in, and long benches on which to prop one leg up while drying off your hairy balls…all while discussing the vigorous handball game with your equally naked companions. It is truly a sight to see.

I simply don’t understand why so many gym-goers are so averse to using the towels provided by the facilities. Most times after I return to the locker room after a good swim or lifting session, I’m greeted by the rippling ass of an octogenarian sauntering obliviously across the locker room with his towel strung over his shoulder as if in some rebellious scoff at the oppressive restraints of towels (the fact that many of these streakers are also barefoot in a public shower facility is a whole different story altogether). This David-esque senior will usually strike up a conversation with another athletic grandfather whose fingertips are not the only body parts to have become shriveled by swimming and being alive most of the last century. Hairy prunes, anyone?

Now, I don’t have anything against nudity in general. When it involves women, I say go for it (although I have heard similar tales of saggy horror about women’s locker rooms too). When it comes to guys, I say do it within reason. In my book, any unsheathing of your sword other than while showering or changing is just gratuitous. And even while changing, a conversation should not stop you from putting on some goddamn underwear. It really seems that some of these guys engrossed in in-depth discussions about their exploits on the basketball court simply forget that their junk is just flopping around for the whole locker room to see.

So guys, especially really really old guys, keep the balls on the court. At least there, it would be funny to watch your gross display of athleticism. There’s nothing funny, however, about an 85-year-old dude’s balls.*



* Actually, an 85-year-old dude’s balls are very funny, but not when you’re confronted with them in person. It’s the idea of them, even the sound of that phrase, that is humorous.